Fresh Hell - Change Is Good Yet Scary

I think now is an appropriate time to write about change. I've grown into a person not entirely comfortable with change. I like routine, I like ritual. If I oversleep on a workday or even cadge an extra 10 minutes on the alarm snoozy, I end up rushing through a part of my day that really appeals to me, namely my morning routine, unchanging as it seems to be. And of course feeling deeply resentful that my cherished routine has been disrupted.

Change in personal relationships has also proven a stumbling block. Intimacy is difficult for me - my initial reaction is to perceive attempts at intimacy as legitimate change, which then sets off the "danger ahead" warning bells. My first instinct, sad to say, is to immediately back off and possibly avoid disruption of a delicate status quo, resulting in friends and lovers being kept at arms length.

Change in professional endeavors has been difficult to embrace. I enjoy working with the same bunch of people, as often as I'd like to wring their necks, and I have to my detriment remained in somewhat "dead end" jobs through fear of change. Eventually, the downside of a bad job will overcome its clump of positives and I have been able to move along in my career, but my history shows a pattern of more gentle pushes a la corporate downsizing as opposed to pro-active moves of mine.

Of course, this reaction isn't at all rational, it's a mindset more suited to a backwards-looking-barely-sentient-mammal.

What's bizarre is I espouse the philosophy that the only constant in the world IS change, and if that seems curiously at odds with my behavior perhaps I can explain it by confessing that I eventually adjust by being dragged kicking and screaming through most changes. I get there eventually, but it's usually painful.

And change is afoot chez Fresh Hell. I've accepted a challenging and enormous new job and I am honestly unsure whether the blog will survive. Similar to the proverbial old dog I've been alternately terrified, excited, thrilled, paranoid, and anxious, moods I swing through sometimes on an hourly basis.

So I can't say yet that I'll shut down the blog or will continue albeit on a very limited basis. Time will tell, as it does most things.