The Kissing!

I didn't experience much culture shock during our trip to Algeria. I don't know what to ascribe this lack to, other than that we stayed in hotels during a fair amount of the time, as well as dividing our vacation between the two largest cities, Algiers and Oran. These are much more modern cities than Westerners usually expect, and thus are more open and easier to decipher. While I never forgot I was in North Africa, I did not experience any privation and, except for Oran, much in the way of staring (which deserves its own post).

I was more comfortable with Mr. FH's family at the gatherings, so perhaps I'm more accustomed to what will occur and therefore am less nervous as a consequence.

But the kissing!

Family members and close friends kiss hello and goodbye all the time. At a family event, when confronted with a twenty member "reception" line (which they resemble), the strategy is to learn whom one kisses four times, twice on each cheek, when two kisses will suffice and, most importantly for a Westen woman, if it is appropriate to kiss a male relative at all or settle for a hearty handshake.

It's a minefield, people! There are no hard and fast rules - personal attachment and sentiment factor into the equation, as do familial ties and respect for elders.

I present a short multiple answer quiz to test your comprehension (reader surveys show they like these best of all):

1. When greeting or saying goodbye to my mother-in-law, with whom I do not share any common language, do I

A. Kiss her four times
B. Kiss her two times
C. Kiss her four times, exchange warm greetings in Arabic, and give her a big hug?
D. Hearty handshake
E. Wave feebly

This is very easy (now that I think of it, this entire post could serve as a primer for every American wife confronting North African or Middle Eastern in-laws). The obvious answer is C; however, this is predicated on my learning proper warm greetings in Arabic beforehand.

2. When greeting or saying goodbye to Mr. FH's aunt, using the above choices, what do I do?

Again, the answer is C. Not just because she is Mr. FH's aunt, or because she is an elderly person, but because I know she helped raise him - it is necessary to be aware of important family relationships to avoid potential missteps. She wouldn't be offended if I didn't get it right, but she would assume, and perhaps correctly, that I had so little interest in his formative years and her part in them that I would neglect to give her the most respectful greeting.

3. When greeting or saying goodbye to Mr. FH's brother-in-law's elderly mother, using the above choices, what do I do?

I might be tempted to again employ response C, as it is a good default. However, that would be incorrect given the relative distance between us. Sure, she's an old lady, but response B is most correct. She certainly won't expect me to employ the warmest greeting, so I would not be wrong with response B.

4. When greeting or saying goodbye to any child in the family under the age of twenty, using the above choices, what do I do?

By now you should be getting into the groove - children always rate a B response - it is their default setting from birth and needn't be disturbed until they get older or they form an personal, emotional attachment with you. As they will probably not do this until they are at least twenty or so or are perceived as adults in their own right, the default child setting should stay.

5. When greeting the wife of Mr. FH's nephew, using the above choices, what do I do?

This hardly dignifies a response, as it is exactly the same as question #4. Spouses of nieces, nephews, cousins and siblings, unless one has close ties, rate the B response. So, Nephew's Wife will get a B response until/if she and I form a more solid attachment, at which time we'll both likely consider whether we rate response C.

6. When meeting brothers or nephews of Mr. FH's brother-in-law for the first time, using the above choices, what do I do?

If you've been following this quiz at all, this is a no-brainer. Response D is the only proper one to employ. The degree of distance, the fact that I don't know them, and the men v. women aspect that is a very real and important part of the culture all point to D as the only proper response.

7. When confronted with an infant, regardless of gender, regardless of family affiliation, what do I do?

Babies are the ultimate kiss frenzy. Feel free to kiss the baby non-stop. Babies exist to be kissed non-stop. It's a blessing - run with it.

Mr. FH's family is huge, and often the familial relationships aren't crystal clear to me - frankly, he doesn't know half the people to whom he's related. I may have surprised a relative on occasion by giving them four kisses when they're only expecting to receive (and give) two. Conversely, those to whom I should be bestowing four kisses have perhaps been surprised with a meagre two.

It goes without saying that these protracted hellos and goodbyes are performed somewhat leisurely - don't think you can leave even an informal family gathering with a wave and "bye all!" exclamation from the doorway.

Ain't done. At times it can be tiring - mostly I think it's sweet, although there are times when I'd love nothing more than making mad dash for escape.

But the kissing is a pervasive habit I found very hard to break upon my return to New York, so I apologize to those of you not accustomed to the custom.