This Week in Its Briefs

Rather than post anything of substance, as I'm listening to the State of the Union Address while simultaneously writing - pardon the inevitable disconnect - I give you the following entirely random bits of whatever:

1. I'd love to write a little note to aliens (the extraterrestial kind) about the differences between French and American talk shows, just to give them a little heads up during their initial planet probe and to see how well they're listening. A few observations:

First, I'd like to warn them that the presence of overt sexual overtones between hot female host and semi-hot male guest is a good clue of who they might be watching (French! good guess). Then, the amazing ability of hosts and all the guests to dress completely differently, i.e, not every single man in a pin striped suit is also a prime indicator (French again! You're doing great!), and finally, actually allowing a person to speak for at least 2 minutes uninterrupted should clinch the difference (French. You guys are so cheating).

2. I have the most vain houseplants in the universe. These are plants that are not supposed to bloom until the spring. Yet, when I feed them their "flower grow crap" amazingly, if one sprouts buds & starts to bloom the other is compelled by pride or God only knows what...

Gad - the applause for the mush that is emanating from the president's mouth is terribly disconcerting...

Anyway, back to my plants - granted, they are more sentient beings than the man leading our country. They're vain and they compete. Yay Nature!

3. Domesticity: I am a very impatient person, and the drudgery involved in housework of any kind drives me crazy with its inherently circular nature of Dirt Happens/Dirt Gets Cleaned/Dirt Happens. However, I've discovered there is a certain Zen mindset to be achieved while engaged in domestic duties. I cannot enter this magic bubble at all times, but occasionally the mindless repetition of the task involved perfectly suits the formlessness of my inner thoughts and I can actually clean without a red-hot fire of resentment coloring everything I do.

4. The domestic wire-tapping/terrorist spying issue. Oh please, people. Enough already. We all know that it is dreadfully illegal to do this without the proper FISA approvals in place, which, if history bears us out, the FISA courts always give (provided they actually know about it and it's actually warranted). The End!

In the meantime, just for fun I've been encouraging Mr. Fresh Hell to whip out the Arabic over the phone at all times and in any permutations, and to especially utilize obscure and quite obscene proverbs, cursing, etc.

I'd like to give the two native Arabic speakers some fun while they are interred in an obscure dusty basement room, forced to eavesdrop on what are most likely the most boring phone calls on the planet, hands down.

5. Our refrigerator died. The demise of this major appliance is akin to the death of a Woolly Mammoth. I'm not sorry the beast is gone, nor am I all that sorry that I had to pitch every single item in the fridge, as it once again reminds me that Arm & Hammer baking soda has a real purpose. Viva the new (ish) fridge!

6. One of my bosses, the original and erstwhile Cupcake, announced this week his impending retirement - this announcement unbeknownst to me. Points given to boss for being discreet when you least expect it? Many. Overwhelming feelings that the floor might be caving in beneath one? Rampant.

Teeny tiny place in largely indifferent universe secured? Priceless.