Dear Self Pity:

I've been alerted by management about their proposed plan to terminate your employment effective the end of this month.

In light of this, I thought I'd drop you this note, which I trust will find its way to the Powers That Be to allow you to continue your valuable work at this spa.

I like making visits to see you here. Hands down, among all the other employees, you more than all of them continue to be incredibly comforting. I find no treatment more enjoyable than indulging in a fresh round of "poor me" with you. While ennervating and invigorating at once, you manage to not only get my blood boiling but my waterworks gushing.

When the entire world seems poised to push me down face first into the muck or when every good thing I've tried to accomplish rebounds back in my face with the force of spent gunpowder, it's always an excellent time for me to visit you and bask in the relief I find in your very profound reliability. I'm comforted with the knowledge that my sessions with you will enable me to wallow like crazy.

Wallow, I say! Wallow with abandon! After all, why the hell not? As if anyone from management would notice a poor insignificant client like me, sniveling in a combination of rage and release while you pummel the crap out of me!

It's the initial rush that I enjoy and expect but as a long time employee of this establishment, you must be aware that for a client a trip to the spa is rife with expectations. It's why we keep coming back.

Your real gift, and between you and me, what you should really showcase with management, is that eventually you push me up and out - you're honest with the clock but you give me more than enough time to wallow before passing me on to one of your colleagues.

After soaking, sponging and wringing me out, rinsing me perfectly clean, you have the foresight to look ahead to my next treatment in the line and send me off, bled dry of my reciminations and wrapped in a fluffy fresh towel, direct into the arms of Ambition, an employee who by your own admission ranks the number one in this place.

Hopefully you'll be able to make your case with management. If you are indeed let go from this establishment and find yourself without patrons I would hope you would get in touch with me - I have several good friends who would be more than willing to avail themselves of your valuable services.

Sincerely,

All The Rest of Us