It's Not You, It's Me

Dear Science:

It's over. I really wanted to break up in person rather than write this letter, but I just didn't think I could handle it.

I've really enjoyed the time we've spent together but I gotta be honest, it's just too hard for me to continue with this - well, charade, for lack of a better word - any longer.

I'll have fond memories of you to take with me, though - I loved your pristine white coats - you always looked such an angel in them, although you did often ruin the romantic moments by trying to convince me that angels don't exist. Silly Billy, anyone with half a brain knows that angels exist, and that they watch over us.

I'll never forget your love of anti-bacterial hand products, although I will not miss you arguing with me about germ mutation vs. the merits of cleanliness being so close to godliness [if you're honest with me you'll agree that you never won one of those arguments, even though you tried your best].

I'll miss your cute furrowed brow as you tried so hard to convince me that the Earth was created over billions of years - please, who could possibly believe something like that when it's crystal clear that God did it all in seven days? It says so right in the Bible!

And evolution? Man, that was some crazy talk! I could never think of big, strong, handsome you descending from some yucky ape-man - I can't remember how many times I had to tell you the story of Adam and Eve from the very beginning to get my point across.

I won't say that I was jealous because you always talked about other guys all the time - you know who I'm talking about - those guys Darwin, Newton, Einstein, Galileo, Copernicus, Stephen Hawking. All I'm saying is that if you love them so much, maybe you should date them!

I just can't get over your overwhelming trust in logic, rational thought, and empirical evidence; I mean really, actually using theories and experiments to try to explain everything in the world? I suppose next you were going to talk about the origin of the stars, or the existence of millions of galaxies, or some other nonsense. Honestly, where do you come up with some of these ideas?

So, I'm taking this big step that I know is going to be good for us both in the long run. I don't want you to cry and I don't want you to worry - I'm sure you'll find someone out there who's just right for you. It just ain't me.

Love,
Kansas