Dear Tourists:

I know, I know - New York is a fabulous city. I'm perfectly aware of this - after all, I live here. And granted, we like the money you spend here, so most of us try not to bitch too much about your presence.

But...it can't be too hard to follow a few simple rules. I realize you couldn't possibly be bothered to care about the teeny tiny folks you encounter during your stay here, but I have at least three impossible things to accomplish in two hours in locations a good twenty blocks from each other, and your inability to cooperate with these rules makes a) my tasks that much harder, and b) my teeth grind that much more.

So, without further ado, [and before I propel you through those revolving doors - hey, they're doors - they're not that heavy..jesus], here are the rules.

1. No congregating in packs on street corners to either peruse your map or decide where you will lunch.

2. No walking more than 2 or, maybe in certain spots only on 5th Avenue, 3 abreast down the sidewalk. This is simple traffic flow - if you are going to stroll leisurely down the sidewalk in a gang of 5 abreast, I will find a way to bump into at least one of you as I try to get by.

3. If you are struck dumb by the exciting thought of very tall buildings or sparkly lights on the second floor businesses that cause you crane your neck skywards in open mouthed amazement, do make an effort not to stop still. If you do, it is entirely likely I will plough right into you.

4. Try to adopt a more blase, world weary expression during your subway rides. Wide-eyed hyper-awareness and rapid blinking doesn't fit the tenor of the car. Also, step on and off the subway in a lively manner. Just because others around you are taking their own sweet time does not mean you're allowed to adopt their ways. They are natives. They already know the rules and just because they flaunt them, you cannot.

5. On escalators, even in large, busy department stores, the rules are to stand on the right and walk on the left. This tiny courtesy allows those of us with only 20 minutes to blow into Bloomingdales and make three crucial purchases the means to do so.

6. When you return home, tell all of your friends that New York is a friendly city - because it is. If you need directions, we'll either tell you where to find something or confess we don't know. If you're seriously looking for a bargain and ask nicely and sincerely, we'll tell you. If you're on the subway heading into Queens when you really wanted to travel to downtown Manhattan we'll not only kindly point out your dilemma but tell you at exactly which station to change to get going in the right direction so you won't be charged another subway fare. If you don't speak English, that's okay too, as nearly all of us can speak at least one other language. [I can't count the times a tourist has approached me and babbled away incomprehensively - it's nice that they think I know their language, though - helps with the image.]

In the 20 years I've lived here I've been the recipient of countless acts of random kindness from perfect strangers who had nothing to gain from helping me, yet did just that - from the woman on the Upper West Side who shared her cab with me on the way to my very first job interview, and who picked up the tab to bring me luck, to the little old lady sharing a bench with me on a subway platform who noticed I had a horrible cough and gave me lozenges and tissue. We do stuff like that. We don't take a whole lot of credit for it, because after the simple kindness is dispensed, we walk away and forget about you. We've got our own lives to obsess about and karma isn't instant enough for most of us.

That's about it. Feel free to enjoy my beautiful city, hit a few Broadway shows, steal some hotel towels - knock yourself out. Try to stay in Times Square, as that is an area I avoid like the plague.