This Week in Its Briefs - Stretched Out Elastic

1. Dead refrigerators. I walk one long block from the subway to my office. On trash day there were no fewer than four fridges out on the sidewalk for collection. Has the recent demise of our appliance made me more aware of their fragility or have I uncovered evidence of an alien plot?

2. Dear ebay: The Cupcake has discovered you. My life is bound to change in many ways. You would have no reason to know this, but I spend a lot of my days online, purchasing both the commonplace and hard to find items that spring from The Cupcake's inexhaustible desire for consumables. I can’t decide yet if you will be a godsend or if you will make my life a living hell. Cross your fingers for me!

3. I have an intense dislike and instant inversion to masks and clowns. I have no idea what that says about my inner life.

4. Pet Peeve #8,598: the two weeks before Daylight Savings Time begins. When the pesky sun comes up, it wakes me up. One entire effing hour before my alarm. I am a person who will snatch the last second of sleep available and a compulsive snooze-bar slammer, so you can imagine the decibel level of the ping on the pet peeve monitor.

5. My totally demented and unsurprisingly illiterate landlords put a hand-lettered sign on the building's front door to protest the delivery of unwanted circulars/sales flyers: "No! No! No! Assolutey No Papers! Thank you." Assolutey? Could they be serious? Don't think for a second that it doesn't take considerable willpower for me to resist snatching it up and creating instant confetti every single time I go in and out that door. If you can't spell four syllable words, excise them from your vocabulary. Kee-rist.